This is easily the most personal post I’ve ever made to date.
I don’t know why it’s coming up now, but the concept has been flooding my social media for days. What started as a simple tweet-response: “I want whoever my future husband will be to know he’s the one and only,” turned into days of different people posting about sex and virginity. I don’t necessarily want to say relationships, because one of the posts that came up was a screencap from \r\askwomen where they were asked, “What was the fastest you went from meeting someone to having sex?” Someone said 45 minutes, someone said 10 minutes. Someone said 10 seconds…
It blows my mind that people can throw their body around so flippantly and think so little of the physical, emotional, and spiritual action they’re actually taking part in. It’s unfathomable to me that you could meet someone and ten seconds later be ripping off your pants and doing the do. At the same time, I am a writer and I’ve written stories and characters who do this. I’ve got a psychic kid who convinced someone in a diner to sleep with him after they’d been acquainted for 30 minutes, I’ve got a sex-addicted character, I’ve got “”normal”” teenagers who get it on behind their parents backs, and I have the odd, perverted couple that just have that sexual urge to bang after burying a man alive. But I digress.
Clearly, I have some level of understanding for human nature, attraction, lust, desire, or I wouldn’t be able to write it out naturally in my work. Maybe I don’t. Readers who pick up some of my stories will have to let me know if it was unbelievable, but these values in the characters don’t reflect my values, just like how I wouldn’t run a man over with car or bury a man alive or poison a failed Hollywood actress.
I’ve never really been public about this until the last few days, but something’s bothered me — has always bothered me — but I’ve been reluctant toward saying anything, exposing myself to rude internet comments that might show up in response. However, something happened and I kind of don’t care anymore and would rather just be honest, give an example of something many people nowadays deem as unattainable or unrealistic.
I’m a virgin.
I’m 28, female, and still a virgin.
I haven’t had my first kiss and I haven’t held somebody’s hand all cozy-like.
Maybe it’s because I look like a goblin, you can be the judge, but personally, I’d say it’s by choice. Between apps and dating sites, the old fashioned bar and even CraigsList, it’s not like there aren’t plenty of ways to find someone to bang it out whenever you want. This is obviously not a path I’ve taken.
A few things. I grew up in the church. It wasn’t an especially strict church as I’ve always been protestant. I’ve gone to non-denomination, baptist, some others… I don’ remember the names of the denominations. All we cared about was making sure the church taught the Bible and that was pretty much it. However, lots of people grow up in the church and then kind of deter or still have premarital sex. I know that many, if not all of my siblings did, so how did I miss that one?
I don’t know. For as long as I can remember, I’ve valued the physical connection that two people can have together when they’ve saved themselves for one another. There’s truth to be had in that the more sexual partners you have, the more it changes the way you may interact with your spouse, should you ever marry. There’s even evidence that the more partners a woman has, the less likely she’ll be happy in marriage. Look, though I don’t know him yet, or maybe I know him casually at this point, but I respect and have always respected my future husband too much to give my body to anyone else. With the way I interact with my friends and family, the connection is so deep and so strong, that I know whenever I connect with that guy, the bond will be intense: emotionally, spiritually, physically. I’ll be all in, for whatever hardship, whatever joys, whatever happens to either of us, I’ll be all in, so I know I’m careful to not only physically invite, but emotionally invite and make myself vulnerable to that person and I hope whenever I meet him, he’ll see the same value in the self-discipline and restraint I’ve shown for him, even before I knew him.
Does that sound cheesy and overly romantic? Lol.
Another thing to know that affected my social circles: I was homeschooled. My classroom consisted of my siblings and once a year we went somewhere and took the California Achievement Test to prove that we were learning and up to code, but otherwise, we were on our own. So we had church, and sometimes church groups on Wednesday, and Barnikor (choir), but for the most part, we were on our own. I graduated from high school with a GED when I was 17 and went straight into college. I did spend a little time in public school. When I was in 8th grade, I attended middle school for 2 classes in the afternoon: art and home and family. All my other classes were done at home. Then when I entered high school for 9th grade, I spent maybe a half a week full time in high school, couldn’t deal with the culture shock, continued to attend high school for 1 class a day for a month, then dropped out and returned to home school entirely.
Based on popular entertainment, most kids make their friends and have their first boyfriend or girlfriend while they’re in school. Maybe it’s on the playground, or middle school or high school, but it’s in any of these facilities. Because I was homeschooled, I didn’t have that exposure to what some might consider normal early relationship development.
Starting college you think I’d experience something there, especially being in theater. Everyone knows theater kids are freaks. There were a few things: When I started college, I was 17 while all of my peers were 20 or more. After play rehearsal or school, many of my classmates would go out to drink with each other to socialize and as someone under 21, I could not go. By the time I was 21, most of the people I’d known in university ad already graduated and so now there were freshmen, 18, coming in, and I was 21/22, so I was on my way out. Since I also generally worked backstage stuff, my first kiss was never lost to a stage kiss.
All I remember of my university experience is going to school, doing the work, doing the plays in the evening, and that’s it. I kept my head down and just wanted to get out with the degree so I could get to work. I also figured that most people find a partner through their mutual interests while they’re going through life. A lot of people hook up in theater — and/or actually date in theater. I knew a lot of people dating each other. However, that never happened to me. Once I received my bachelor’s degree, I applied and attended university for a Masters Degree.
I flew from Alaska to Florida where I would attend. And you’d think, again, being on a college campus in a hot place like Florida, I should meet someone, right? Nah. It was a low-residency program, meaning we were on campus for only 9 days every 6 months and then interacting long distance the rest of the time. Now, that being said, people were still sleeping with each other for sure, though I never knew about it until terms later. I didn’t stay in the hotel with everyone else and managed to duck out of the drama. There were … some threesomes, a broken marriage, and at least two proposals in the 2.5 years I was in that program. I’m sure a lot more happened than I was privy to considering I learned about the threesome in term 3 and the broken marriage in term 5 (out of 5).
Basically, every night at the master’s program was ended by going to a bar, drinking, and getting early again the next day. I don’t drink. I’ve never been drunk, I’ve never enjoyed the taste of alcohol, and call me a boring person, but I wasn’t going to go out until 3-4am on a school night. All the socializing I did with my classmates was during school and during the dinner hour.
During and after that time it was work. To and from work with the errands every now and then. That’s it. I didn’t drink, I still don’t drink. I don’t party, so no clubbing. And that has been life. Lol, go ahead, make the joke!
“You don’t drink, do drugs, or have sex? What do you even do for fun?!”
Then there are dating websites and applications, especially if you don’t drink. Well, I resisted using any of them for the longest time because I didn’t think that what I was looking for would be on them. Funny enough, after caving and trying some, the apps are really just full of people who want something quick and physical and so they’ve gone nowhere with me. I’ve met a total of 4 guy’s in person for the first time from an app and it was… a mismatch of values every time. The last guy I met even told me he was a virgin, but ashamed of it; he was only a virgin because his last girlfriend didn’t want to put out.
I get it, there’s a lot of pressure socially to lose your virginity. Everywhere, all the time, you gotta be the best, you gotta lose it. This morning I saw a tweet that said, “if you’re not having tons of sex in your 20s, it’s sad.” I personally think if you’re not married and not having sex in your 20s? It’s not sad, it’s noble.
It’s noble to wait. I know it’s not the popular opinion and it likely never will be again. I’m not ashamed to be a virgin, but I never talked about it in a public way because I figured that’d be between the guy and myself. I also thought too much about receiving comments like, “I don’t believe you” and “What’s wrong with you?” and a myriad of whatever else the internet can come up with. I also didn’t really want to make myself vulnerable to the internet at large, because, well, once you post it, it’s there forever.
But I think this is too important to stay quiet on. When you save your virginity or your body for your partner, you’re saving something irreplaceable. A connection with one other person that will never be as strong if you sleep around. I’m not saying you can’t have a strong relationship as or with someone who has slept around, but there’s power in the marital relationship that has been saved for one person. There’s power and strength and unity like no other in a companion who you know is all for you and has always been for you.
People often think they’re missing out if they don’t have a ton of sex or try all the flavors or try all the positions or just see what’s out there. How could they know they’ve found the one if they don’t go have fun in every way possible?
Well, what about missing out on a stronger personal connection? What about missing out on a value and trust and unity you’ll never know once your emotions and body and soul have been split between 2 or more partners?
Maybe I’m naive to believe in this. Maybe I’m naive to keep for one person, but you know what? I’m fine with that.
I’m 28 and a virgin and I’m not in any rush to change that (though I wouldn’t mind catching a glimpse of a potential partner). I always thought the guy and I would run into each other just by living life. I’m still hoping it’ll happen and when it does, I’ll be honored and humbled to give myself to one man. I hope others can learn to see the value in this and stop feeling bad or ashamed if they don’t fit the social norm.
The social norm is not always correct or healthy.